A Tail of Events
by peacerose47
Summary: "The last words I'm ever going to say to you are 'told you'." Kathryn and Chakotay go on an away mission that turns 'catastrophically' wrong. A dialogue-only one-shot that was born of quite a few prompt lines and a lack of sleep. Not to be taken seriously.


"The last words I'm ever going to say to you are 'told you'."

"Yeah, can you stop that already and think of a way for us to get out of this?"

"'Brave Starfleet Captain Mauled to Death by Ferocious Alien Tiger'. Not exactly what I wanted to see in my obituary."

"You won't see your obituary anyway. You'll be dead."

"Because of you."

"Let's not go there again."

"'Oh, look at the cute baby tigers. Let's get a closer look.' You know, for a supposed nature-loving Indian, you're not exactly that smart when it comes to wild animals."

"I didn't know the mother was nearby."

"All we needed from this ill-advised expedition was something edible that was _not_ Leola Root. That's the only reason any of us are in this god-forsaken jungle. But then you have to go and-"

"I told you, dammit, it's not my fault!"

"Don't shout, you'll scare her."

"I'll scare _her?!_ What about what she's doing to me?!"

"Why don't you just shoot her with your phaser or something?"

"I lost it."

"You lost it."

"When I fell into that mud pit earlier."

"You mean the one I specifically told you to watch out for?"

"Yes, that one. But enough of that, why don't you shoot it with _your_ phaser?"

"You mean the one I lost when you made me fall into that enormous pot-hole in our path? The one that was sitting in plain sight? The one that-"

"-That we fell into in a way that was somehow my fault. I get the picture. You're not happy with me right now."

"Since you were a direct contributor to the decidedly unpleasant nature of our current circumstances, no I'm not happy with you. I'm actually quite _unhappy_ with you."

"I'm sorry."

"We'll find a way out this, you know. We always do."

"With a huge snarling beast in front of us, just biding its time until it eats us for breakfast?"

"Oh, let me swim in my denial. And anyway, it wouldn't be breakfast. More like an afternoon snack."

"Comforting."

"I'm sure."

"Do you hear something?"

"Salvation?"

"No, more like…"

"Like what?"

"Thunder."

"Seriously? And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse."

"I suppose this makes our commbadges even less likely to work."

"Considering they didn't work before, I'd say they definitely won't work now."

"Then it's a really bad thing that this beast is practically polishing its silverware right now."

"Absolutely."

"Kathryn? If I make it come at me first, promise me you'll make a run for it and won't trying anything stupid."

"This whole day has been stupid, Chakotay. Nothing I do could make it worse."

"Kathryn."

"I can't promise that."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't leave people behind."

"Kathryn, that creature is literally two metres away from us."

"Just distract it long enough for me to get to that fallen tree limb and then I can try to scare it away."

"You're going to get us both killed."

"It's better than your cowardly idea."

"Stop fighting me on everything I have to say."

"Just distract the cat."

"How? 'Here, big kitty. Come roll over for me, big kitty.'"

"Good, it's working."

"Shit, I didn't want it to!"

"Just a little more…"

"Kathryn, please tell me you have a phaser down your boot or something."

"Just keep distracting it."

"It was nice knowing you."

"Same. Now keep distracting it."

"What do you mean 'same'?"

"Just kick a rock or something. I need to get to that stick _without_ being torn limb from limb."

"And what about me?"

"What about you?"

"What will you do if your faithful first officer gets mangled by a tiger?"

"Well, Tuvok's been looking for a promotion…"

"Kathryn! Shit. No. Good kitty. Please don't kill me, kitty."

"You _are_ the one who got us into this mess. You're the one who insisted on accompanying me. And you're the one who got us here now, defenceless against an angry mother tiger. There are at least seventeen ways this could have gone better. Literally. I'm counting them right now."

"And your plan now is just to hit the overgrown house cat on the head with a stick?"

"A really _big_ stick, Chakotay. That's the point."

"You're sure this will work?"

"I'm maybe twenty percent sure this plan will work. The other eighty percent means we could die, but honestly, it's a really solid plan."

"Great."

"Do you have anything better?"

"Yeah. You run while I give my life for you like a good little first officer."

"Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"Please tell me that thunderstorm isn't getting closer."

"I don't think I can do that, Kathryn. Not with that tree erupting in a ball of flame from that lightning strike."

"Wow. This is all kinds of not good."

"Actually, it might be good. The fire's scaring the tiger."

"And me."

"Well, sure, it doesn't help that we're surrounded by the stuff, but I'm sure there's a way out."

"Chakotay?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"Kathryn?"

"What?"

"There's a break in the flames."

"Where?"

"Right next to where the tiger's nest is."

"You want us to face death in order to avoid death?"

"Pretty much."

"I can't figure out if that idea is stupid, suicidal, or brilliant."

"I don't understand why it can't be all three."

"Okay, but if we die, I'm blaming you."

"I'm sure you will. Damn, that thing's big."

"So are its teeth."

"Don't look at the teeth. Just keep moving. Come on."

"It's awfully hot here."

"Sorry. That's just me."

"I don't know how you're always fitting innuendos in our serious conversations, but you need to stop."

"Yes, ma'am. It _is_ crunch time, isn't it?"

"I think it's more like 'run for your life' time."

"Good idea. Come on!"

"Woah, slow down! I've got little legs, remember!"

"We need to make it back to the shuttle before the fire catches it or any search parties they might send after us."

"This isn't exactly the away mission I had in mind."

"Me neither."

"How hard is it to just admit you were wrong?"

"I won't say I was wrong, but I guess I wasn't right either."

"For what it's worth, I honestly thought we'd be dead by now."

"Maybe we are and this is hell."

"Nope. There's the shuttle."

"I'm sorry for how this turned out."

"It could've gone better."

"You might say it turned out… catastrophically."

"If I hear one more cat pun I'm leaving you here."

"Yes, ma'am."


End file.
